Distraction from niggling thoughts of chocolate...

I've eaten a lot today. Not a lot lot. But a lot. More than usual. Maybe i should write it out:

- handful of muesli, milk and 1 pear
- 2 crackers with cheese, coffee, 2 chocolate biscuits
- 2 slices bread, 1/2 carrot, lettuce, 1 egg, mayonaise
- 1 v. small plum (sugar plum), handful grapes, 2 cracker with cottage cheese, gherkin
- 4 squares of chocolate

it's 6.23pm and i just ate the chocolate. My brain is niggling a bit, not as much as it has in the past before a binge - but it is the biggest temptation i have had so far. Have i really not eaten enough for the day???? Is my starvation response still not being hit on the head... *wails*... i can't eat anymore, unless i'm on a binge!!!! damn... i know this is bad of me, but i have to know if i can trust my instincts or not, otherwise i'm going to fall off the rails... i'm going to count up the calories for today...

Ok that was bad of me - but i'm at 5,200 kj - i'm supposed to have 7,600 for my height and weight, to not put on any weight. Which means that even if i didn't want to gain weight, i could still have fish and chips for dinner if i want to... awesome!!... this means that the principles i'm following are true - my body is actually doing a good job at calculating my needs! :) phew... i know that was naughty of me, but i was freaking out! i guess sometimes you just need that bit of validation to check you are doing the right thing.

and look at that - i've waited 15 minutes since i started this post and the niggling thoughts have gone... so the distraction technique does seem to work!

I guess, though, i do have to learn that if i'm still under in KJ today, not including allowances for my 30 minutes of incidental exercise, AND i ate more today than i usually do - then i'm probably not actually eating enough to maintain my weight, or stabilise it, which is going to make my job at losing weight all that much harder. This must be why it's taking me at least a month to feel the indication that i'm free to start dieting again... i.e. that morning when you wake up and have the motivation to run, dance, jump, and start that diet again - and watch your weight drop like someone who's never tried to lose weight before.

Well, bottoms up - Here's to eating more tomorrow!